"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." ~ Master Yoda, Star Wars I The Phantom Menace (1990)
It was Christmas Eve, and I decided to create a ritual for me and my daughters to fit in and create memories in our new home, Canada. I consciously chose to enjoy whatever festivity Turtle Island offered.
Around noon, my eldest told me she’d spend Christmas Eve with her father. I was devastated! We argued, I cried, she cried—it was tragic! All I could think was, why didn’t she choose me? Why her father over me? Why not me?
After an hour of tears, I went out with my other two daughters and bought some stuff: ugly Christmas pants, sweaters, and snacks. Then we headed home to watch a Christmas movie.
As I told my friend and therapist about the incident, she mentioned a golden rule; If it’s hysterical, it’s historical. So, I thought yes, my reaction was a bit out of scale. I still enjoyed the evening with my daughters, and my eldest had every right to spend Christmas Eve with her father. But why was I so upset? Why did I feel left behind and not chosen?
I turned to my grounding techniques, breathing in, breathing out till my mind cleared. I meditated, asking myself "Why?" until I could no longer ask, and answered until I could no longer answer. I discovered that I had always felt this way; not chosen, left behind, not anyone’s favourite. My father worked a lot when I was a child. He was a good man, but my inner child felt neglected whenever he was too busy to bring me something needed for school. My relationship with my school friends would literally vanish during summer vacation. I would stay in my room reading, drawing, and daydreaming. Even with my cousins, I never felt like I was their favourite. It actually is historical.
I am pretty certain that my father loved me, my friends have been always very good to me, and my cousins are simply kind people… but this inherent feeling of not being worthy was deeply rooted in my mind that I couldn’t perceive love in any normal way.
The fear of being left behind and not chosen has been lurking for years inside my limbic system shaping how I act and how I deal with people, the ones who love me and the ones who don’t.
This led to the weirdest thing, me running away from people who showed signs of healthy love because of me feeling unworthy, and chasing love from people who do not show it to prove to myself that I am worthy.
And as Mater Yoda said, I was, in fact, suffering.
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The feeling of belonging – or not belonging in this case – has always been the issue for me as well. My father also worked through his days and nights, and I was somehow neglected in my childhood. Growing up as a single son in this old European cold country with no relatives or fiends didn’t help either.
He – my father – always represented a dream for me, a dream I would chase after for so many years from then. He also loved me, but like his father, he was never able to show any sort of emotions. On the contrary, I was always in comparison with others: friends, family and random people he would run into.
I was seeking his love for most of my life. Also with a bitter feeling of unworthiness that haunted me day and night. “I am not the right person”. “I could do better”. “This person is smarter” …..
Turns out I was not looking for other people’s love. I was simply seeking his acceptance. His acknowledgement.
At the age of 25, I had a fit. A long, troubled, teary argument. I poured it all out. I ranted for a full hour, exposing all my fears and emotions throughout the years. Examples of how I had cried through the nights accepting his acceptance of me. He was astonishingly silent. Did not utter a word. I went to bed that day with a deep feeling that our relationship was forever broken to an extent of non-return.
However, we became best friends ever since. And we still are.